trip to atlanta

011.Trip to Atlanta

in january of 2017, we took a spontaneous weekend trip to atlanta.  atlanta is about 3 hours away and my husband goes at least twice a month for work and korean dentist and korean haircuts and also we used to live there, so it’s not necessarily a super exciting destination but there is korean town, which we miss dearly since we now live in the middle of nowhere.

i was exhausted and sad from another unsuccessful month trying to make han dynasty actually happen, so we drank a lot of 소주 and ate 대패삼겹살 and did 노래방.

when he initially suggested going to atlanta, it was the last thing i wanted to do.  i just wanted to stay home and wallow all weekend.  but it ended up being such a cathartic night that i felt refreshed and renewed (and massively hungover, but that’s the price you pay for emotional release). i mean, when you sing bohemian rhapsody 5 times in a row*, how could you not feel like you’ve emptied your feelings and turned a new page? it was exactly what we needed.

*i highly recommend this as a remedy for any kind of heartbreak. 

cartoon originally drawn march 18, 2017  

 

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009. it hurts

 photo 009. It Hurts_zpsudng3zx4.jpg

here’s something i didn’t really want to talk about on the internet (or to anyone at all if i’m being honest): i’m having trouble getting pregnant.

i have scrapped this post so many times because it’s terrifying to admit to random strangers on the internet that i’m having this kind of issue, information i’ve only shared with a handful of people irl.  every time i started to write this post, a voice in my head was like, whoa, hang on. are you sure you want to share your personal business so publicly?  and the answer, at last, is yes.

for my entire life i have been worried about what other people think of me.  but recently i read this article and i was like, you know what? fuck that.  i’m tired of seeking the approval of people i don’t respect.  i’m tired of feeling like i need to get permission from others to do the things i want to do.  news flash: i don’t need anyone’s approval but my own.

so i decided to make a change, starting with the very personal business of my reproductive health.

i know i’m not the only one out there going through this.  every time i discover that someone i follow on social media had trouble getting pregnant, i search for their story, desperate for a little hope or inspiration.  because it’s been hard for me.  i’m stuck on an endless roller coaster of emotions, and not a fun roller coaster.  one of those old rickety ones that snaps you back and forth and you’re sitting there clenching the safety bar like, when is the last time this thing was inspected? because it feels like it might collapse at any moment.  and you can’t stop the thoughts that fill your mind, like: why can’t my body seem to do the one thing it was programmed to do? and how long will it take me to conceive? will i ever get there? and sometimes: do i even want to get there anymore?  it goes on and on and on.

and here’s another thing.  the whole infertility/difficulty conceiving thing being shrouded in so much shame? that’s bullshit.  there is so much secrecy and misinformation surrounding the female body and i’m sick of it.  and what i can do now to try and change this is to join the conversation myself.  maybe my story will help someone else feel not so alone.  and maybe no one will ever read this. and that’s fine too.

but if you’ve come this far, i’m not asking for sympathy or advice, and i’m not fishing for words of encouragement. i am simply putting my thoughts into words and pictures and leaving it out there.  a kind of self therapy to help me process the tough stuff.  i am feeling my feelings and moving on.

here we go.

the caption to this cartoon drawn on march 12, 2017:

why didn’t anyone tell me how difficult it is to get pregnant? (or, more like why did everyone make it sound so easy?)

i’ve found myself lying on the bathroom floor with a late period and a negative pregnancy test more times than i thought i would when we started and it hurts.